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Verhungerte.
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Megan | 18 | California
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I don't believe in perfection but I'm striving for it anyway. I'm 4'9" and my HW was 106. LW was 80.
I have purging disorder, bipolar depression, insomnia, and severe, debilitating anxiety.
I love music, books, trying to learn German, vampires, and thinspo. Abigail is my best friend, and the most amazing person you will ever meet. We love each other.:]The small things in life make me happy. The small things in life can also make me break.
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Goals.
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Stop Purging.[Who am I kidding]
Meet Abbie.
Move out
CW: See posts
GW#1:95
GW#2:90
GW#3:85
GW#4:80
♥UGW#5:75♥
Learn the art of happiness
 Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
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Quotes.
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Pain is Beauty.
Amazingly enough, we all live inside a body that is capable of improvement everyday...what are you waiting for?
Giving in to food shows weakness, be strong and don't give in.
Craving is only a feeling.
If it tastes good, It's trying to kill you!
Don't give up what you want most for something you want at the moment.
Eat to live, but don't live to eat.
The difference between want and need is self control.
Pain is temporary; Pride is forever.
I want to be the smallest I can possibly be...when I see bone, that's the day I will finally feel free.
Act as if it were impossible to fail.
Food is the most primitive form of comfort.
When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let it go.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act, but a habit.
A full belly makes a dull brain.
Fat on your girth, depletes your self worth.
Eating fat will ruin your mood.
Well, I don't want to eat this now because there might be something I'd rather eat later.
It's simple. You decide once and for all that you're not going to eat and then there aren't any further decisions to make.
I needed to discover what was left when excess was stripped away. When nothing survived but the self in its minimal form.
This is forever. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be thin more than anything, even food.
The more they give me, the less I'll eat.
FOOD IS A HENDRANCE TO YOUR SUCCESS.
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C&P Couture
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Jealous?? GOOD! Get your layouts from Cut&Paste Couture!
C&P Couture
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| I finally made a new xanga. It was just the right thing to do.
If anyone wants to add that one, I'd appreciate it.
http://qualderwahl.xanga.com/ | | |
| Shitty dream about my boyfriend and a girl he used to talk to. What's worse is I told him about it and asked when the last time he talked to her was and I know for a fact he lied about it.. I guess I'm supposed to just ignore that because it wasn't recent, and I'm not supposed to know anyway...
I'm going on a walk soon. I hope I don't encounter my stalker. | | |
| If I want to just get rid of this one, and actually finish the other one I made. I think it might be a good idea for some reason.
I also feel the need to update on the past few months since I haven't been on. It's up to you if you care enough to read it, but I need to get some things off my chest.
Since my last actual update in september, a lot has happened. I'll try and go in order.
September, was pretty uneventful for the most part. I was dating this guy named aaron, but at the same time I tried staying friends with my ex. Well, he was starting to get really insane, and started showing up at my house without notice, and trying everything to get me back, when it was just too late. I feel in my heart that the reason he was trying to get me back was because i was with someone else, and as much as he fucked up our relationship( I shouldn't say it was just him, because we both had a part in it) he couldn't take the fact that I had moved on. I felt really weird, and sort of awful for hanging out with him behind Aarons back, but I saw it as the only way to try and remain friends with him and see Aaron. Well, fuck was I WRONG. We went to the mall one day, and I totally lied to Aaron(which I will always regret) and he happened to be there with his friends. It was so horrible, and as much as I acted pissed off, I felt like a complete idiot, and I cant believe that I did that. We almost stopped talking completely. (Our relationship started off really rocky, and so we weren't technically together at this point, but still, I shouldn't have lied) Luckily, we both kind of sucked it up, and ended up going to Knotts berry farm(if you don't know, its a theme park) for halloween, and things didn't go straight back to normal, but we had a good time. After this happened, I decided that it was time I HAD to stop talking to Dillon, because he was always going to try and get me back, and I was never going to want that. It just made it really hard to be even remotely happy with my life when I had two people that wanted to be with me(I sound cocky, but that's what was happening) Me and Dillon have barely talked since October, and as awful as it might sound, I don't miss him. I know we're both better off without each other. Me and Aaron also officially got back together in October, and while it hasn't been completely perfect, and we still have rough patches we go through, mostly because my mom hates him for no real reason at all, I still wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
In November, I heard from Ryan. He went to Afghanistan, and before he left he said the meanest thing anyone could ever say to me. I expected to never hear from him again, and probably would have been fine with it, but instead he sends me a friend request on facebook, and then has the nerve to say hey like nothing ever happened. I don't know if I should believe him when he says that he's bipolar and doesn't remember even saying it. He apologized, and for some stupid reason, I accepted it. But like I said, I don't want to be with anyone else. He could say whatever he wants, and do everything he can think of to get my trust back and shit, but it won't work. I'm happy with Aaron now, and thats all that matters. I can talk to Ryan, but I feel NOTHING for him. Nothing...
Also, in November, toward the end, Aaron and I went to a party, and i got way too fucked up. I didn't drink, but I took promethazine, with codine(AKA, Purple drink, ha. If there's anyone who doesn't know, it's just really strong cough medicine, and the codine is a pain killer, so it makes you feel pretty numb) and I took 4 500mg Vicoden. I felt really awesome, but I just wanted to kick back and relax and Aaron wanted to stay there. So I told him to take me back to my car at his house and he could just go back. And after debating it, he finally agreed. I ended up not having my keys, so instead of calling him to come back, I called my mom to come pick me up. Well, she freaked out. I think that's ridiculous because she's always told me if I ever get too fucked up, she didn't care what I was on, that she'd come pick me up. Well it was terrible, and she was screaming at me the whole way home, and then when we got there too. She was acting like it was Aaron's fault, when it wasn't at all. I was so fucked up I don't even remember most of the night. I don't care though. I think I'm allowed to do stupid shit sometimes. I never got to do anything when I was in school, so I'm making up for it now. Lol. Not really, but I can have fun sometimes. That's probably why my mom hates Aaron so much. Because he left me at his house, like I told him to, instead of waiting for me to drive away. Dumb bitch doesn't realize that I definitely would have crashed into a tree or something.. But that doesn't matter to her at all.
December was pretty awful. Besides getting barely any hours at work, and not being able to pay for the shit I need, I had a final... falling out?.. with my Biological Father. I call him that because he isn't my dad. He is dead to me. What happened was for some reason he decided to text me. Out of the blue. I hadn't heard from him in months, and he tries acting like he cares so much because I was sick( he knew this because my sister told him, and probably told him to text me as well). He didn't care when I had a brain tumor and 20 days to live, so why the fuck would you care now? Oh, thats right, its a bunch of bullshit. So after thinking about it for a while, and talking to Aaron about it, we decided, that I shouldn't candy coat things, or beat around the bush. I should just tell him straight up what's on my mind, so I did. And after exchanging a few lengthy, texts, which were completely meaningless on his part, he stopped writing back. I figured that much, and totally expected it. He also kept taking forever to text back( it took two hours for the first response) which means that he was talking to my sister about what to say. This might sound paranoid, but I know that's what was happening because my sister told me she talked to him right after I sent that text. So he cant even say anything from the heart, he needs to consult my sister beforehand. That just makes things worse because I know what's going on. I love how everyone treats me like I'm oblivious to everything. Anyway, so that was a few days before Christmas, maybe a week, and he had the mother fucking nerve, to ask me if I wanted to go down there for Christmas. HA! What the fuck? Are you stupid? I didn't even bother writing back to that one, because he should have already known I wouldn't. So I hear from him again on Christmas day. All bad. My "cousin" Melody had the nerve to call me, and when I didn't answer, she sent me a bitchy ass text, asking why I was being so mean to him, blah blah blah, something about me being a cunt. It was ridiculous. She had no right to send me anything, and try getting in the middle of this. It has, had nothing to do with her. Needless to say, I didn't write back to that either. So about 15 minutes later, I got a text from HIM. This is what completely ruined my Christmas. He tries telling me, along with some other shit I don't remember anymore, that he's never done anything to hurt me, and he didn't understand why I was being such a bitch. Yeah, my own "father" called me a bitch. He then said something about canceling my phone in thirty days which is completely fine with me. That's no threat at all. I've been wanting to get off this plan since I moved out of his house over two years ago. For some reason though, and I still don't know why, other than maybe subconsciously, I really do care that I was not rejected once, but three times by this same person, while he still has a close relationship to my sister. Yeah, that's probably it. I don't need him in my life anyway though. I raised myself practically, and despite all my problems, I definitely am better off that way. I think I turned out mostly okay, and I don't need him after 19 years anyway. Hello, I'm already grown up, you avoided your job as a father, so you don't get the chance to try and make it up to me. So I've been trying to get money together to buy a new decent phone, and get on my own plan or something, so that I have nothing held above my head. Thats another thing, paying for my cellphone doesn't make you a dad. Especially after so long. I cannot wait to get a new cell phone. I just got paid today, so I'm going to see if I can afford anything. Even if it's just temporary till I can find and be able to afford a legit phone and plan.
Woah, okay so I kind of went off subject. That shit all happened before 12 on Christmas day, and I ended up being so upset about it that I took two xanax bars, and had Aaron come pick me up, I fell asleep at his house and he sat with me the whole time. I feel bad about that because I didn't want to ruin his Christmas. I slept all day, and woke up at probably 7:30 or 8. I was super groggy, but he took me home so I could get clothes to spend the night with him. He went and got shrooms, and we did those. It was my first time, but it was amazing to me. The only thing that sucked was we stayed in his room all night, and I ended up breaking down in the middle of my trip because of what happened. I feel like I cried for so long, and he just held me. I've never had someone to comfort me like that so it really was amazing.
New years was alright, well actually no it wasn't. We got shrooms again, and did them at his Grandmas. I ended up getting super depressed, and didn't even really get the full effect of the shrooms at all, which was disappointing, and weird, because I had way more than him, so I should have. And he was definitely feeling it. Anyway, so I was way depressed, and I tried the whole night not to let him know. I remember feeling like I just wanted to stop breathing because there was no point in me being on this planet. I feel like it wouldn't take people very long to get over my death. I also felt like my heart was as depressed as I am, and it literally doesn't want to beat anymore. It hurts 90% of the time, like someone is holding it in their hands too tightly and they wont let go. He knew that I was feeling totally shitty, because we talked the whole night. He told me some crazy shit, and it breaks my heart to see him cry about his past, and how guilty he feels about how he used to be, and what he's done. We took some somas, and they brought us both out of our mega depression. If we hadn't taken those, I feel like I would have left once he fell asleep, and just drove off a cliff. I was thinking about it a lot, and looking back, it kind of scares me to think about how close I was to killing myself.
This month, hasn't been that great either. I hate to even say it, but Aaron slipped up. He did speed with his uncle, and I was so hurt. He promised he would never touch that shit again, so I felt a little betrayed because he lied to me about something so serious. I forgave him, and I could tell how bad he felt. It was stressful on both of us, because he was depressed about it, and I felt bad because while I didn't want him to think I didn't care if he did it or not, I didn't want him feeling so shitty either. We're over it now, and we're both looking really hard for jobs, so we can be happy together. Meaning live together. I have a job now, but they don't give me any hours, so I cant pay for shit right now.
Things have been really stressful lately, but I know that I can make it out of it.
I hope everyone is doing okay, and working hard toward their goals.
Speaking of those, I want to be at least 80 pounds by my birthday. Thats 6 lbs to lose by July. I know I can do that, because Since my last birthday, I've lost 10. It would have been 13 lbs but I gained some back:[
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| I didn't know I still had this. I've been trying to log in for the longest time, and it hasn't been letting me. I made a new one, but haven't done anything with it. Maybe I'll just keep this one. I'm back for good because I'm in terrible need for support. I had been doing so well since last time i was on, but I'm 100% off track now, and it feels awful. Not only do I need to get back on track, I need to loose some god damned weight by my birthday. Thats my goal, and I'll be working my ass of to reach it. I want to be 80lbs by then. Thats no more than 8 pounds, and my birthday is in friggen july. If I cant make it, I really do fail at life. Does anyone know of any challenges that will be starting, or have already started but will still accept me? I need one so bad. | | |
| Maybe I should consider the start of the new term as a new start for everything. I think that would be a good idea, even though normally, I don't believe in new starts.
The new term starts in a week. I'll be taking a math class, as well as anatomy and physiology. I'm upset about my last term because I got a low C in the fucking writing class. That teacher was a straight up bitch, and I hope I don't get her for college comp II. I'll be so depressed.
A lot of crazy shit has been happening, and I could probably write a book since I never update anymore, but I wont do that to you girls.
Long story short, I don't know how I feel about Aaron.. James from LA keeps popping into my head, I'm hating Ryan more everyday, especially after seeing posts on facebook to girls saying he misses their voice, and shit like that. Me and Dillon are talking again, which is fine, but I can tell it's a bad idea, because he isn't over me.. as weird as that sounds.. And there is a kid named Jimmy that likes me a lot I guess, but idk..
There is just too much going on. But what I don't understand is my complete and total lack of emotion. It's been going on for a while, so I know it's going to be like this for a while, if not permanently.. I don't feel anything, except when I'm scared. Which is a ridiculous story that I'm not going to get in to.
But for example, I'm sure that almost anyone would freak out if someone they were close to passed out right in front of you, but no.. I didn't feel anything. I mean, I didn't stare dumbly at him, I knew what to do, but I wasn't nervous, or anything. Or when me and my mom got pulled over, I didn't feel anything. I feel nothing when Aaron does dumb shit, or when I think about breaking up with him. I feel nothing when Jimmy tells me he likes me a lot, which is sad, because I have a feeling we would be good together..
I need a god damned job, fast. It's ridiculous how hard it is to find one..
Also, I was super bored today, and made a new blog.. I'm not sure if I like it, but here is the link.. its also at the top of my page.
http://www.luuux.com/share/b5db041d38e88065
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