Weblog

Saturday, 28 November 2009

  • I decided.

    Im not going to be a crying baby anymore. I miss zanga so, I am going to start logging on regularly again. I dont know about everyday, because I doubt that will be possible, but as much as I can.

     Well, my baby left for the army about two weeks ago and I miss him like crazy. Im so proud of him though because he took this huge step and they made him platoon captain. I get to talk to him tomorrow:] mmmmh

    Also, my weight is finally starting to come off. I weigh 97lbs now. The zoloft is helping me alot. I haven't purged since before I left Colorado, and Im proud of that. There are times when I want to really bad, but Im no longer giving myself that option, because I know if I start, I won't stop. I also haven't cut since I left, which I can also be proud of.

    Before me and Dillon got back together, I did some stupid shit. I don't regret it though. I slept with Eric. Hes such an ass. Plus, can I just say that I really dont think he understands the concept of sex. I find that kind of funny. So, not only did I do something stupid, but I didn't even enjoy it.

    I gave someone a ride from Colorado. His name was James. I thought he was really awesome, until he told me, in so many words, that if I didn't have sex with him I shouldnt come down anymore.( he lives in Los Angeles) I really don't feel like being put in a situation like that, so, we dont talk anymore. I did get an adorable puppy out of it though..( which probably sounds terrible)

    Anyway, it would be amazing to hear how some of you are doing.

Thursday, 12 November 2009

  • Been gone for a while.

    I've moved back to California.. and lost a total of eight pounds.

    I weigh 98lbs as of this morning, after I ate a banana and had some hot chocolate.

    Anyway, Im at my boyfriends house.. so I cant stay on long. Hes leaving for the army in 4 days.. and I want to spend as much time as possible with him.

     

Friday, 18 September 2009

  • Last post for a while.

    I just don't really feel like going on here and being disappointed.

    Favorite song right now: Lil' Wayne; I feel like dying.

    Have you slept next to the last person you kissed?
    Yes

    Seven months ago, can you remember who you liked?
    Yes. It hasn't changed.


    Are you looking forward to anything?
    A different job.


    Can you get over people easily?
    It depends on the conection I think I have with them.

    When did you meet the last female you texted?
    8 years ago?

    Have you ever kissed anyone within an hour of meeting them?
    Hah. Yes. And I don't regret it at all.

    Were you single on your last birthday?
    No, but it felt like it.

    Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
    Yes. It was a one time thing.


    Is there someone who you instantly smile when you receive a message from?
    Eric. But I don't think thats going to last much longer.

    Did you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up?
    No. That never happens. My phone is too loud

    What is more important in a relationship, happiness or trust?
    You can't have happiness without trust.. so trust. But both would be nice.

    Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms?
    Nope.

    Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
    Yeah. I wan't to sleep forever.

    What’s something you really want right now, be honest?
    Eric. And to be skinny. Maybe to jump off that really nice cliff I saw driving out here.

    Have a best friend?
    Nope.

    Would you live with someone without marrying them?
    Yeah.


    If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
    Winter. Maybe fall so it wouldn't snow everyday.

    What were you doing last night at midnight?
    Talking to Eric, trying to sleep.


    Whose car were you in last, what were you doing?
    My own car. And I was coming back from work.

    What color shirt are you wearing?
    Blue. I just had to look.


    How long is your hair?
    Past my shoulders, but it isn't as long as I would like.

    Are you happy right now?
    Far from it.

    What did you say last?
    Yep.

    Where is your phone?
    Right next to me.


    What color are your eyes?
    Hazel.


    When is your birthday?
    July 2.

    Who has the same phone as you?
    I dont have a clue.

    Do you read your horoscope?
    No. Only when I happen to see it. But I don't go looking.


    Where was the last place you bought something?
    King Soopers.

    How do you feel about your hair right now?
    Its a damn mess. And I don't give a shit.

    Do you bite your nails?
    Sometimes.

    Do you have any expensive jewelery?
    I don't own any at all.


    Myspace or facebook?
    I don't even care.

    What was or is your favorite subject in school?
    PE. No joke.

    Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
    2 Sisters.


    What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
    Should I eat breakfast?

    Who has the same birthday as you?
    I don't think I know anyone.

    When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard?
    Oh god. With Ryan? About 2 months ago.

    Are your toes always painted?
    Nope.

    What’s the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
    Threw it probably.

    Have you ever wanted someone you cant have?
    Oh yeah. Like right now.
    Are you happy with your life?
    Not at all. There's always something.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

  • I hate lying.

    A few weeks ago, I bought xenadrine drink packets for the 14 year old girl I live with. We obviously didn't tell her mom. She took one, and said it tasted like shit so she didn't have anymore. No big deal I thought.

    Well, a few days ago, her mom went looking for something in her room and found them. Flipped out. Then decided to go search my room. First of all, that pissed me off, because Im 18 fucking years old, and not related in any way. Second, she should have done it while I was here or something. Thirdly, I don't have much to hide. Nothing illegal at all. The only thing is some razor blades, and a notebook that I used to write what I ate, when I purged, and when I was going to fast. Among other things, like self letters, and just lists of things to do for the day. I also had a journal that I don't ever write in anymore. So she went through everything. And now she is pissed. I haven't seen her yet, but her daughter told me. Now I am regretting the time when she comes home, because I know it will be terrible. I know I fucked up, but did she really have to go through my room? Probably not.

    So now she knows about my habbits and all, and I know she is going to watch me like a hawk. Its none of her business, and I hate not having the privacy that I thought I would have.

    Edit:

    Ive seen her since this all happened, and we had a long conversation about everything. I lied, and said that I feel bad about it, and hate being like this, when really I don't. Im actually completely indifferent about the whole situation. Purging, doesn't make me cry, or even feel bad. In fact I feel better after.

    The only thing that I don't like is all my scars. And the fact that I cant seem to lose any weight at all.

    From now on I'll have to be better about hiding everything, since apparently, my room isn't even safe anymore. Does anyone have any advice they can give me? I really need it.

Thursday, 10 September 2009

  • So yesterday, my sister pretty much disowned me.

    But I only ate maybe 500 cals, which is good for me. I almost passed out at work, so I figured I should eat. And for once, I wasnt even hungry.

    Then today was the opposite. I was doing really well, until I woke up from my nap. Im blaming it on the weird hours and sleep deprivation. But tomorrow will be better, hopefully.

    A married guy likes me.. and despite the fact that he is one of the coolest guys I have ever met, I have morals, and told him he needed to learn boundaries... plus I am too infatuated with Eric to even really notice anyone else. I haven't even talked to him(Eric) since last friday.. :[